Surprises

It's a wonderful feeling when you see a smile on someone's face, when you know you have played a part in making someone happy. that your little acts have brought so much joy to someone's day.

i remember that beautiful sunny day, when i walked into the restaurant and found a table of my wonderful friends. how surprised and shocked i was. i counted the chairs and knew 2 were missing. first thought was 'i hope he is coming' and the next split second, i scolded myself for even thinking. it's not going to happen. same with any other unexpected events, 'i hope he planned it' 'i hope he shows'. but of course, my hope turns to dust as i already knew but i hoped. hope against hope, i seem to love doing that. the disappointment i feel turns into anger, at myself. for the stupidity. for even thinking. no one will ever understand why my thoughts would go there. even i myself don't. i remember that night, lying in bed, feeling emotional cause i was so touched with everything they did. i wondered why was it that i wish he'd show? is it because for a long time, i've always felt the need for that attention? that i have never felt special enough that perhaps for once, he'd actually want to put me first? how insecure and lack of self confidence do i sound? compare that birthday to the year before, that surprise party was amazing. perhaps, then, my life was complete. i guess, surprise parties are for people who are truly content with their lives?

so many thoughts tonight. bits and pieces, scattered here and there. trying to string them together but having difficulty. there are moments i am so clear on what i feel and there are others where i am totally lost. a lot more volatile nowadays. so much frustration pent up, no where to vent. i know when i am most happy, most myself and most comfortable; but those moments don't come by easily. i spend my days waiting for them and before i know it, it's gone. how much longer can i spend my days waiting? how much longer can i pretend that i don't envy them? how much longer can i convince myself that this is enough? questions that are asked but forced, quickly to be forgotten.